New Virginity, by Nat Harvie (2024)

1.

Is that the sun I'm looking at I cannot tellIs that the sun I'm looking at I cannot tell out hereSometimes I wonder how long it would take me to forgetHow to speak if I were the only person left on EarthAlive alive alive aliveI control myself with the kind of house I buildIf the house is clean it cannot fall apartSo by the time I'm ready for my closeupI'll be dead or pregnant and knowing wellOf dying as more familiar than being born

2.

Beg me to get back on the ponyCome on beg me to get back on the ponyI was a child sleeping with a shovel in my bedI was lining up Mom’s earrings on the floor I was a germaphobe I could’ve been a murdererAlways stepping back letting anything unfoldAfraid of the waterAfraid of the dark of older childrenPromising not to then pissing in my sister’s leotardAnd I was in rapture without a clueWithout a conscience still without a conscienceBeg me to get back on the ponyCome on beg me to get back on the ponyI wanna feel safe in an animal wayIn my animal body on the groundI’ll be in like a lambI’ll be out like a lambIf I staged a miracle I can do it againI can do it again I can do it againBeg me to get back on the ponyCome on beg me to get back on the pony

3.

Cigarettes and apples for dinner againAnd again and again and againAgain and again and againI reach for the last piece of fruit on the counter And find it already in my mouthAgain and again and againWe saw a red moon rise over water so bigThat I couldn’t remember its nameSo I turned to you again and againWhen I spilled red wine on the carpet At somebody else’s I pray to youI’ve seen you do it again and againI need you more than you need meI need you more than you need meThese days I get up a little bit quicker than youBut the heat from my side of the bedWill never go away it’ll stayNext to your sleepy long hair which I held while you pukedAfter drinks back in 2015 you have done the sameFor me again and again and again becauseI need you more than you need meI need you more than you need me Cigarettes and apples for dinner againAnd again and again and againAgain and again and againI reach for the last piece of fruit on the counter And find it already in my mouthAgain and again and again

4.

I am everything like a woman’s 10Never anything without SamCatching cold before I give it time to fallHolding gold that I will never wearSmoking in the stairwellNo fake smoke look like real smokeDrink forgive meDrink run dry drink running dryModel waterOne half clean and not sure which partMisplaced reverenceShugarboyMoth flies into an open flameToo afraid to speak his nameKnocking on the door to leaveYou are not the one I wantNo fake smoke look like real smokeI am not your honeypotDrink run dry drink running dryTo have but never holdOne half clean and not sure which partI do not dream of Shugarboy

5.

Don’t be cheap just pay the ransomDrive the limit on the bridge back to the USADon’t watch the road don’t count your money in your headWitness the secret disease of all the cattle off the highwayI think of you when I cut my hairI think often of cutting out my middle nameAnd I can’t describe how bad your stubble hurts my lipsWhile we’re making love in the bed where your grandma diedI was only practicing I didn’t know I was practicingI didn’t know I was practicing I didn’t know I was cheap Don’t you be cruel no don’t you I.D. meWhen I roll back into town When I’m trying to throw my weight aroundI tell strangers still I’m only 19 years oldSo I can seem a little smarter than my ageSo I can get laidAnd that was cruel I knew full well that was cruelI knew full well I was cruel I knew full well I was cruelBut I was only practicing I didn’t know I was practicingI didn’t know I was practicing I didn’t know I was cheap

6.

Sleeping in my clothesStargazing I could not findThe biggest piece of the skyShirt against my spineSo light that I can hardly tell if it’s mineSpitting out my teeth I Have to give away when I can steal just rightI ate five apple seeds last nightNow tell me am I gonna dieOr will I be fineAll that I can do is beg me to rememberA lighter meaning to shake myself awakeToo slow to knock my teeth outAnd fast enough to hurt so bad I can’t stand upI see a shadow on the wallHow dare the sunrise come so slow come at allAnd unfold a hand to mention my homeI’m that woman on the stage I am black dress and almost no tit*Singing my easy songSinging easy singing easyHear me easy hear me easySand and cotton dryAs honey baby cuts her wristsOn a pale blue skyCrying something about a splinterCrying who done this to me Singing easy singing easySinging easy singing easy

7.

Show me that redShow me that trustLend me that courage nowLend me that troubleI am an animalI am an animalDancing like a womanSinging just like a womanWatching you prayLosing your voicePromising twiceYou can sing on the next oneEating the makeupOff of my faceSaving a horseKilling a cowboyHating the chorusLoving the choirThinking of dancingAs a means to an endDancing like a womanJust like a woman

8.

Thank you goodnight I love youYou’re the only thing that keeps me aliveYou’re the only thing that keeps me aliveYou’re the only thing that keeps meThank you for breaking me evenAnd waiting me out as if I was a cowardLeaning heavy on your weak legPutting away putting awayCan’t you see how hard I’m working at thisCan’t you see how hard I’m working at thisPumping the dog full of morphineIn the last hours of her lifeAnd holding her hand as her eyes roll backShe’s high as hell she’s terrifiedNow this is the sound of me burningEvery patience that I lackEvery new song is a murder balladEvery breath an asthma attack Can’t you see can’t you seeCan’t you see can’t you see